... If it's some sort of colour imbalance, then that makes sense. It's not necessarily inserting something foreign in you, but amplifying or manipulating what's already there.
[...]
You're scared, of what comes tomorrow.
[it's stated as a fact. they all felt what atsushi was feeling, after all.]
I'm always scared. From the day I was born until the day I die, that's what defines me: fear.
They called me a cursed child growing up, saying that my parents threw me away like trash because of the burden I was. That I would never amount to anything good, no matter what I did. All I had to offer the world was pain.
I'm a monster. I've hurt so many people, both here and at home. But I think what I always feared the most was that they were right.
[they listen quietly, their heart breaking for atsushi even if they try to keep it steady, so as not to inflict it back on him.
and then, softly,]
There are many people who care about you here. People who've told me that they don't want to lose you.
... Nearly everything ends in death, sooner or later—in grief. That's the truth of the world, whether or not you're a monster. [...] But in those moments of warmth and happiness, you have given people much more than pain.
[Atsushi's own heart is hurting just from admitting all of this. The pain and loneliness are there, as they always have been, but he feels them rather keenly right now. He can tell Clarte is trying though, so he tries to swallow it down too.]
...I hope so. It's only been a few months, compared to the 18 years I've spent being a burden on everyone, but...I hope it made a difference. Somehow.
It's alright. Part of that was me being selfish and hoping we could vote out the other person instead of me.
[Might as well be honest here, since any of his impulses could have been caused by something else.
...actually that one probably is caused by something else, because Atsushi is self-destructive enough to welcome death to spare the other killer under normal circumstances. Whoops.]
[said someone who's never feared death in their life, but clarte's circumstances are hardly the standard.]
... Don't feel bad about picking combat. I think many here would wish for the opportunity to give you a merciful sendoff, rather than one designed to torment you.
Kindness to yourself is a kindness to others as well.
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timeasmymeasure
no subject
Date: 2022-03-20 03:20 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2022-03-20 03:23 am (UTC)[...]
You're scared, of what comes tomorrow.
[it's stated as a fact. they all felt what atsushi was feeling, after all.]
cw: past child abuse
Date: 2022-03-20 03:39 am (UTC)They called me a cursed child growing up, saying that my parents threw me away like trash because of the burden I was. That I would never amount to anything good, no matter what I did. All I had to offer the world was pain.
I'm a monster. I've hurt so many people, both here and at home. But I think what I always feared the most was that they were right.
no subject
Date: 2022-03-20 03:43 am (UTC)and then, softly,]
There are many people who care about you here. People who've told me that they don't want to lose you.
... Nearly everything ends in death, sooner or later—in grief. That's the truth of the world, whether or not you're a monster. [...] But in those moments of warmth and happiness, you have given people much more than pain.
no subject
Date: 2022-03-20 03:57 am (UTC)...I hope so. It's only been a few months, compared to the 18 years I've spent being a burden on everyone, but...I hope it made a difference. Somehow.
no subject
Date: 2022-03-20 04:02 am (UTC)Regardless of whom you've hurt, I'm glad to have met you. So while my life might not be worth much, your existence has made it brighter.
no subject
Date: 2022-03-20 04:14 am (UTC)[He feels called out and needing to call out Clarte at the same time.]
no subject
Date: 2022-03-20 04:21 am (UTC)Haha... yes, I suppose so.
no subject
Date: 2022-03-20 04:35 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2022-03-20 04:38 am (UTC)[...]
Just to make sure... Hot Pants and Garou's curse wasn't you, was it?
no subject
Date: 2022-03-20 04:46 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2022-03-20 03:39 pm (UTC)We'll find the other one. I'm sorry that we couldn't do it during trial, like you wanted.
no subject
Date: 2022-03-20 03:51 pm (UTC)[Might as well be honest here, since any of his impulses could have been caused by something else.
...actually that one probably is caused by something else, because Atsushi is self-destructive enough to welcome death to spare the other killer under normal circumstances. Whoops.]
no subject
Date: 2022-03-20 03:54 pm (UTC)Do you still feel that way?
[no judgment. it's a sincere question.]
no subject
Date: 2022-03-20 04:12 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2022-03-20 04:37 pm (UTC)[said someone who's never feared death in their life, but clarte's circumstances are hardly the standard.]
... Don't feel bad about picking combat. I think many here would wish for the opportunity to give you a merciful sendoff, rather than one designed to torment you.
Kindness to yourself is a kindness to others as well.